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Mooch 1's Life Rules

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Mooch 1's Life Rules

We all have life rules and get mad when other people don't follow them. We have rules about the store, driving, phone edict; but we never talk them and we end up mad at one another. So... Here are some of my rules. Hopefully you add to it and we can be more peaceful:

1) If you take the parking space I'm waiting for I only get two days to hide your body

After all it isn't the worst crime in the world. One shouldn't have to decompose for years for such a simple wronging. 

 

2) We have to brush our teeth prior to kissing and after we've gone down on each other

Besides, I need time to readjust the camera..
stupid auto focus.
3) Staring is restricted to 4 seconds
What is with these staring people? They don't wave...or nod; they just pull up next to you and go soul searching.
Here's the deal:
*Two second stare and you are required to wave
* Three seconds and no wave is automatic restraining order
*Five second wave an it should be totally acceptable for me to charge you while I fondle myself
If you've looked at me for longer than five seconds we're either building communication or sexual friction. 
4) No Answering calls during Sex
But we really need to determine who should be mad
Should you be mad because someone called during sex?
Should the girl you're sleeping with be mad mad because you answered?
Or should your girlfriend be mad because you're gonna be late to dinner again?
5) If my shopping cart is full and you have one item- you can only pass if I like what you're buying
If it's a tabloid, not only are you not passing, it's gonna be 30 minutes of me trying to find the right debt card.
And guess what, asshole, I left the right one on the car.
Besides, you don't need a tabloid. Here's today's news:
Kim's ass is fat...
...Kim's husband is an ass...
...and one of  the "Real House Wives" got drunk at a party.
Now give me five dollars and stand your ass in line.
6) If You're in front of me in line at Starbucks you must only order coffee:
You don't come to the only place available that sales legal speed and order muffins.
I'm a coffee shop person. I'm here to get shakier than Ray Rice's wife and act like I write for a living.
If your drink requires two pumps of anything when I'm behind you, then it's back of the line you go. 
If it requires soy we make you wear a scarlet letter and stand on the patio.
These are some of my rules. What are your rules? 
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